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For the past year or so, I’ve become fascinated with the art and skill of persuasion and charm. A part of it came from the positive changes and growth in my own life, as a general introvert aiming to develop a better life for myself. It started as a simple exercise when I bought my first condo, and wanting to develop a sense of home, which naturally led to getting to know the neighbors. Thing was, I was very bad at remembering names. I’m sure you can relate, but after each introduction I swear I wouldn’t hear their name, whether too shy to ask again or just too focused on not mumbling through mine.
So as I started that next chapter in my life and purchased a home, I was determined to start small, but made it a game to remember all of my neighbors’ names. What unfolded was an interesting lesson in the power of just taking an interest in others, and how it made my life better. In short, after some trial and error, I remembered the couple across the hall, and the nice family a few doors down that I ran into regularly. Each time I would see them, I would make sure to say hey, especially by making it personal by using their names. What transpired was something that’s only obvious on the back end, people really like it when you remember their names, so they naturally remember yours (a form of reciprocity) and in turn begin to like you personally.
The net result was a true sense of neighborly belonging, as you went to grab your mail or passed in the hall, everyone said hello (with my name), asked how things were, and even offered help to make the building better. It was astounding on what a simple action bloomed into a real sense of home. I took those lessons into my current building, where (no kidding) I have cookies at my door on a regular basis, and wherever I go in the building, most everyone knows my name and genuinely will go out of their way to help me on things. Its a fun game to try if you haven’t, as you’ll be surprised at how amazed some are that you remember small details about them, which just makes people happy, the same as it does you.
Seeing the positive benefits of this, it led me to think what other skills or lessons are out there that can make life better? In no small part, what I was doing was a form of personal development in interpersonal relations, put a better way, the art of charm. What I discovered was this was a learned skill, one that if done properly and with good intention, can make everything better.
In no small sense, we aren’t aware how everything is connected in this world, and a small turn of the gear to the positive in a seemingly innocuous interaction in your day has a real potential to connect and turn millions of other connected gears to the better in a real sense. It also means that everything matters, we always are presented with that potential. The exciting part is an act of good, no matter how small, can potentially compound into great things.
I’ve discovered over the years that simple things like taking an interest in others, has a meaningful positive effect on your own life. That’s what learning and developing the skill of tact and charm is for me, a skillset that has the potential to smooth rough roads, open doors and optimize for positive outcomes. Its also a key component in my mind to success in the business world. Much of everything is a negotiation, so why not learn how to do that in a way that makes things easier and better?
Its really apparent in the lack thereof, where a good idea, proposal or project can be completely shut down because of the lack of tact. I’m so astounded by it sometimes, in that a little bit of charm could have sold the idea, but rather it was declined because it was presented with so little tact. Its the answer to why a seemingly “good” idea doesn’t make it to fruition. The mistake made here is to believe that the idea stands on its own, but that’s not the world we live in. Most everything is a sale, and a good idea must also be sold well, and skillful tact is a necessary component:
Maybe its a consequence of a large portion of recent communication not happening with the real-time feedback of a person’s face, but there are more ways than one to screw up an idea and burn a bridge. The quickest way there, I’ve found, is anger and arrogance.
We all can immediately think of a situation in which we would gladly say no to a likely profitable proposal just because the person selling it was a jerk about it.
The interesting thing to consider is those that chronically have outbursts at not getting their way, have been rewarded just enough to keep the habit up, while also slowly becoming blind to the bridges that are burned to get there. Its a bad strategy and slowly leaves you on an island with those others who are the same way.
The exciting thing is the opposite is true, by learning how to charismatically communicate and treat others well, you ultimately surround yourself with people who enjoy helping you.
What’s key to remember is the importance in treating everyone well along the way. Although the world seems so large at times, we’re very few degrees away from each other and I’m sure everyone can recall being mistreated by someone. Its funny how people don’t forget those situations, so why not cement in their minds that you were the one that made the best of things, remembered the small details, were generous with time and energy, while treating them well when it didn’t call for it? Mistakes happen too and a little forgiveness does everyone some good. At the same time, I’ve become more discriminating in who I choose to give time and attention to. Its here that the ignore/mute/block functions go a long way.
On the larger scale, time spent on developing your own personal charm pays dividends across multiple facets of life. I’ll list a few books below (links in the caption) that I found really helpful, but one thing to note; there is certainly a dark road one can take in learning this personal development, which is why I highlight intention. Its only through a good and/or positive intention that this doesn’t stray into outright manipulation. The funny thing is, all people have a great sense of “smell”, including you, so by approaching learning how to better interact with people everyday with a positive intention, all the better. The same goes for if you’re trying to “get something” out of people, we all sense it and can all tell.
Its all a process but one that I’ve been working on and practicing in my own life. For all of the technology that surrounds us, we’re really not that different as people, and learning how to communicate is a necessary component to any meaningful and lasting success.
Will